The Clark Family
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Missing Crimsyn!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I sit here not knowing exactly what to do with myself, it seems the days drag on and the nights have no end...Michael and I were talking of how it seems it has been six months since we have seen our precious baby, when in reality it has been just a little over two weeks. Last week I felt so encouraged so spiritual, trusting and believing that there was a greater plan in the works, but somehow I have let that slip somewhat, yes I know that we are serving a wonderful and gracious God and he does everything just right, but I am finding myself slipping from that strong Hope I had just a few days ago, my every thought is consumed with Crimsyn and that spills over into mine and Michaels sleep, we both are waking at all hours thinking, talking, and crying about Crimsyn. His nursery is right off our bedroom(we had it built on when we found out we were "expecting') and I do find comfort in going into his room but I just do not know what to do with myself, these past two weeks have felt like an eternity..Michael is having a hard time with all of this to and he is always the spiritual one and the one who quotes scripture to make me feel better, but the reality we just dont know what the future holds and that is what scares me to death..I would like to think I was a good servant to the Lord, that I handle adversity in a christian way, but exactly how does the Lord want me to be, I am not sure...I have found myself not wanting to get out of the confines of our house, I went to Wal-Mart the other day but after about 10min, felt like I was about to have a break down so I left. I do not want the Lord to look at me and be disappointed, I just am not sure how to handle this, I have never experienced anything like this and I know alot of other people have and I sure do not want to be poor pitiful me, but I really have never experienced such a feeling of loss, when my Grandmother passed away it was so sad and hard but this is different, I feel like a shell of a human being, just going through the motions and trying to put on a smile on around my kids and tell them its going to be okay when in reality, I do not know what the future holds and I am scared, very scared, things that mattered so much a month ago I could care less about. It feels our little family circle has been broken, I want to hope and yes I still have hope, so much hope that I keep my cell phone right beside me even in the middle of the night just hoping maybe they will call and tell us to come bring Crimsyn home, but I feel so bad when I hear it ring and I look down and it is not them calling and sometimes I cannot make myself answer it, I just dont have any words to say sometimes..Ok I guess this is enough and I know I have said to much on here but I have wrote so much on paper to nobody my hand gets tired..Just trying to find a little relief, I do not want to be ungrateful for all I have in this life because I am truly thankful but we feel like a part of our hearts is still in hawaii..Take care everyone and enjoy holding your children tonight...
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One day at a time. Satan will try to destroy you with the "what if's" about tomorrow - next week - next month - next year. . .Get up every morning and ask Him to help you do the things you need to do to be the same good wife and mother and child of God you've always been. And before you go to sleep ask Him to give you peace and rest through the night so that you can fulfill the next day's needs. One day at a time. It's just too hard to try to handle the future right now - and He knows that. One day at a time. Sometimes it's just one HOUR at a time. Try to still the thoughts about tomorrow. He will keep you, He will strengthen you, He will give you courage and hope as needed (He usually doesn't give too much in advance - I think we've all learned that). I think He does it that way - one day at a time - so we don't forget to lean on Him for our understanding and strength. Your children are learning to trust Him each day as they watch you trust Him. We want to just have everything carefree and happy for them - after all, they're just children! But perhaps the best gift they receive is when they realize heartaches come (they are part of life) and that Mommy and Daddy are sad, but not forsaken, because they are trusting God. Until the load is lifted, your daily efforts (even though they may seem "forced" and not as wholehearted as you want) are the footsteps that will get you through to the other side of this valley, and will instill a faith in your children that they can live life secure because they can trust Him - no matter what life throws at them. They watched Mommy and Daddy do it. This may be the true meaning of "training up a child". . .which, I KNOW, is what you want for these precious children. One day at a time. HE had to teach me that one time. . .and still reminds me of it today. . .We love you and pray for you all daily.
ReplyDeleteDear Crystal & Slick,
ReplyDeleteI hesitated to post anything, like the other girl posted before, I've never had to go thru anything that compares to this, but it's tearing my heart out that you are having to. & I so agree with what Sis. Sherrill just posted. Just last week I was singing that song One Day at a Time Lord to myself to remind me to take one day at a time. There's not many of us that can even begin to understand how you are feeling, but I've also been singing the song There's Power in Prayer to myself, & there are so many prayers for you & Crymsyn & your other little angels before the good Lord, & I believe those prayers are circling the Throne of God. I can't quote the bible but it says we are worth more than many sparrows & he takes care of them, so he'll take care of us & he'll take care of Crimsyn. I read a card that said I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, but one thing is for sure, I promise I'll pray, & that is exactly how I feel, so helpless & all I know to do is pray. Just wanted to let you know how much I love you!